Pastor Jason McKnight: Good Neighbors in a Divided World: Navigating differences with truth and grace
The new family moved in next door; they are from a different country; I wonder what decorations they’ll put outside. The new guy joined our team at work; he transferred from up north; he doesn’t even know what collards are! Our family reunion is next week; can “MAGA Mary” and “Obama Oliver” get along this year; I’m sick of fireworks.
The fact is we live in an era that has every evidence of deep division. Whether it’s cultural mix-and-mash, severe political differences, online echo chambers, or shifting personal values, we don’t all share the same viewpoint, and we might never achieve the “e pluribus unum” ideal of our founders!
How can we get along with folks in daily situations that can turn tense, yet demand grace. The truths I hold firmly can’t become a bludgeon to shut out neighbors or colleagues. How do we navigate being good neighbors in a divided culture?
Here are six things I’ve learned (often the hard way!). Simple suggestions when we realize we’re in different lanes on an issue, so that we can still inhabit the same corner of the world.
Expression is an invitation
If someone expresses their thoughts, they are letting you into their worldview. That’s an invitation to a relationship. If you don’t agree, you can respond as simply as, “Hmm, that’s really interesting…” You can engage with it without agreeing or disagreeing: “what led you to that stance?” Seeking to understand how someone arrived at their viewpoint is a win for relationship. There is no chance of community if we don’t seek understanding. It’s much easier to move toward someone if I remember that when they share an outlook, they are sharing a part of themselves… and maybe I should focus on the person and not the position.
Keep the relationship bigger than the issue
What’s true in parenting teens and marriage counseling is also true in all of our social interactions: we can choose to win the issue or aim to win the relationship. If we make the issue of the day the point of our interaction, we’ll do all we can to convince, cajole or correct the person in front of us; that’s not really a fun marriage, friendship, working relationship.
But, if we keep the person as worth more than any issue, we’ll invite interaction about this, in a context of open-handedness. And it’s 100% good at times to say, “you know, I see it differently. I guess this is an agree-to-disagree moment.” Even this is a word of grace and truth that communicates they are more valuable to us than our point of view. We can force our views or we can invite a give-and-take.
In tense moments, try to step back and see the forest for the trees. Try to bring out some points of overlap in desires, experiences, shared lot. These really do go a long way to helping us regroup for future relationship. If we’re in the same community, it takes relationship more than unanimity.
Take a breath, take a break.
If things do get tense, de-escalate by pausing for a moment. Step out of the melee and double-check your motives, your blood pressure, your responses. If you sense control slipping away, take a breath, take a break. God can do amazing things in a 3-second breath-break!
You don’t always have to share your mind
It was so freeing to me to realize that it’s not my job to ensure you think the way I do. It’s not my job to correct your bad ideas. I used to think it was, so I was engaging more things than I should have. But now, I can share my mind with the folks I want to, and I can hold my opinions in front of others. That doesn’t make me hypocritical, it only makes me judicious. Count the Cost. Even if someone asks my opinion, I’m constantly gauging if they are open to learning or just poking the bear. That changes how I answer.
Social media is a microphone, not a telephone
Whoever said this is so right. People use social media to announce their viewpoints, not to seek wisdom and others’ thinking. In my experience, this is true 99% of the time. Comment threads are not genuine give-and-take, but rather a series of pronouncements with some mudslinging thrown in.
If you still want to engage on a comment thread, here’s how to ennoble the conversation, and not regret a muddy interaction: (1) Resist the temptation to blurt; (2) Craft your comment to be clear, short, winsome, not offensive; (3) Decide not to rebut without thinking, and then to stop rebutting after 1-2 times. (4) put down the phone and go for a walk!
If my idea is worth holding, it’s worth expressing with kindness.
Remember that your idea will be judged in large part by how you deliver it, advocate for it, speak of it. An obnoxious salesman is the worst kind: the customer rejects a product they don’t know because of a salesman they can’t stand. Don’t be that kind of salesman for whatever opinion or idea. Rather, use gentleness, kindness, humor, and a light touch to share what you think and why.
These few suggestions will help our corner of the world grow in the kindness that God desires for all humans. Which one can helps you the most? How could you implement it today?
