Faith Forward with Jason McKnight: How to win more arguments
One thing is certain in life: disagreements are inevitable. Chinese or Mexican? Beach or Mountains? Toyota or Chevy? State, Duke or Carolina? Disagreements are everywhere, because we all have our own ideas about what’s better.
This holds true in big things, too: How to parent and discipline? How much advice to offer our adult children? What should we save-spend-give? When do we show “tough love” to someone?
Disagreements with spouse, friends, co-workers, neighbors are inevitable. (And we haven’t even mentioned politics yet!!)
They often lead to arguments. You remember an “argument”—those interactions where “you” are clearly wrong, while my blood pressure goes up, my mouth keeps moving, and my opinion entrenches like a World War One front line. Arguments. Argh!
Wouldn’t you like to win more of the arguments? When “intense fellowship” starts, I wish I could win more often. Do you?
Let me offer one paradigm and six principles so that we can win more arguments in a disagreement.
The paradigm is simple: winning looks different than you think. Change how you define the win. Is it when I come out on top and get my way? Or is it when we work through to a better course of action & a truer relationship. Obviously, I’m advocating the latter. A true win in any argument is when we come to the wisest outcome with the most goodwill possible.
Only a narcissist thinks they are always right and always ought to prevail. The rest of us know—at least in theory—that we have shortcomings, blind spots and might need help. Step back and redefine winning: Do I just want my way, or do I want more wisdom and flourishing?
Here are 6 principles to get to wisdom and goodwill in an argument:
1) Listen better & listen more – we just admitted, we might not have thought of everything; it’s possible that your sparring partner might add to your knowledge. Proverbs tells us this: “the one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” (18:17) Be curious to learn what they might add by their viewpoint. Plus, the old “two ears and one mouth” idea of listening twice as much as you speak is helpful. You never lose when you listen to understand.
2) Consider alternate viewpoints – this is an extension of the first principle. You clearly don’t assent to your opponent’s take on things. But, try to think of a third way to view the impasse and options. That exercise in imagining helps make the argument less personal, and jars your mind into new thoughts.
3) Don’t be offensive, and don’t get offended – Proverbs 18:19 says “an offended man is more unyielding than a fortified city.” If one of you is hurt, wounded, or offended it is very hard to achieve wisdom, peace and flourishing. Do your best not to be ugly, petty, or mean, or thin-skinned and super-sensitive. Keep the relationship in view, and count the person worth more than the jab—whether inbound or outbound.
4) Don’t make it personal – the disagreement is not the relationship. The opinion is not the person. Keep the conversation on the level of the issue. Avoid characterizing language: “You always do this…” is a death sentence for finding a way through a disagreement.
5) Take three deep breaths – flood your brain with oxygen; it’s the nourishment you need. Plus, the few seconds of breathing means you are not talking. That silent pause has saved many hard feelings, as we reconsider launching a zinger!
6) Be humble, it’s freeing – if you are wrong, admit it. There’s freedom in living according to reality. If their idea turns out better for us for now, admit it. There’s freedom in elevating others.
You are never more like the God of the Universe than when you are humble. He’s got all power and could win every argument. But he’s always humble, willing, open. Humble is not doormat, it’s simply considering others more than we do. That’s Godlike!
Win more arguments by defining the win—wisdom and goodwill. Then, use these helps to attain that win more. You’ll find flourishing even in disagreements.
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