Jason McKnight: How to Navigate Miscommunication
Faith Forward:
I love what I do for a living. Pastoring a local church is a whole lot of fun. But, as everyone who is part of a local church (or part of any lodge, supper club, travel team), the more time you spend with people, the more opportunity there is for miscommunication.
Misunderstandings, miscues, misinterpreting, mistakes, reading things wrong, not hearing what’s actually said. All of these are part of the never-ending process called communication. George Bernard Shaw was right when he quipped, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
The worst part of it is that I’m to blame likely 50% of the time. You too. Admit it. It’s not just “them” who need to be on their game. You and I also need to consider how we contribute to interactions gone wrong.
We cannot totally eliminate miscommunication. But, can we mitigate it? Repair it? Get to understanding and forward movement again? Here are some things I’ve learned—I’m good at miscommunication! It’s one of my strengths. May they be of help to you too.
First, Always Give the Benefit of the Doubt.
Sure, they were curt in their interaction and it bugged you. Yes, they didn’t take the time to listen and left you frustrated. So how do you process that? Many times I think, “yep, they’re so maddening, jerks even. Why do I even bother?” You can happily elevate yourself in the interaction and cast blame. But you probably won’t move forward with them easily (who wants to make nice with a jerk?)
If you extend the benefit of the doubt—“they must’ve had a bad day,” “I wonder if they’ve had hard news,” “well, I don’t know what they might have gone through today…”—you can treat this interaction as an anomaly, not a character flaw.
And that automatically lowers the blood pressure. This way you can consider how to restore goodwill. When you extend goodwill, goodwill is more present in your relationship. My own frustration-quotient dropped by 80% when I actively withheld my judgement but extended the benefit of the doubt (by faith). Turns out, in most cases it was warranted.
Second, Take a pause, a breath, a moment.
This allows us to move from reacting to responding. Step back for a nano-second and think. For a moment or two, gain perspective and give space. Breathe. All of this helps us not escalate with ill-advised words. Rather, we allow for better judgment to have a chance to prevail!
Third, Double check your own motives, feelings, & pride.
Did you feel embarrassed in front of others by this person? Do you fear missing out on something? Are you sure you are engaging what actually happened (vs., what we ‘just knew they’d say’)? To diffuse any difficult situation or enhance any joyful one, take a moment of honest self-reflection: It’s fine to be hurt by someone; once you acknowledge it, you can heal from it.
Fourth, Consider if this is worth a conversation, or if it can just roll off your back.
Not everything needs to be addressed. If you figured out why you misunderstood, there’s no harm no foul, and you can put it behind you… why not keep going in life? With normal relationship. “Love covers over a multitude of sins” the Bible says. Just set it aside.
However, if you need to offer a word of help to someone, don’t shy away from that. If it’s worth a conversation to deepen your relationship, help them in relating, and protect others from hurtful words… then have that conversation with them.
Fifth, very often “the thing is not the thing.”
A disagreement about who’s controlling the TV remote might really be a power struggle because of what happened yesterday. An angry complaint about “that loud music at church” may really be a cry for help because all of life seems to be beyond the ability to navigate. Just pause in the moment and double check if this thing is THE thing. It may be all there is, it may be a pointer to something else. A few moments of consideration could save hours of hurt.
Sixth, awkward conversations do not have to be confrontations.
Take the one down posture: “I might be wrong, but it seemed like…” When this is genuinely spoken, it gives the opportunity for the other person to save face, “Oh, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant…” And you are not accusing them. Here is a grab bag of other helps:
Listen actively and reflectively, “If I’m hearing you correctly, you said…” (and then repeat as faithfully as possible).
Don’t argue like Hollywood—it’s all high drama, gutsy zingers and tension filled moments. Rather, be cautious in how you engage. “slow to speak, quick to listen.”
Don’t say always or never: “you never take the garbage out.” If that’s what you think of me, why change? I’ll just keep not doing it.
Don’t label the person: “you did that because you’re such a feeler…” It is demeaning.
l of these will help you in the next difficult conversation. I didn’t make them up, it’s what every communication expert, every marriage counselor, every business coach has told us!
Seventh, Do you want to understand or do you want to win?
Check your motives. It is very tempting to want to be the hero, the star, the victor in any situation. But the real payoff comes from increasing the understanding between two people. In a miscommunication, your goal can be to bend others to your will or your position. Or it can be to arrive a better way forward in this moment and in our relationship. This will take a desire to understand all the dynamics at play, and move in concert with what you didn’t realize was happening.
You may still “win” in that your view point prevails. But, you will WIN if the person has goodwill toward you and willingness to grow in relationship.
Miscommunication is always lurking – parents to teenagers, spouse to spouse, co-workers, friend to friend. You name it. Here are seven helps to limit the damage and decrease the time spent in the repair shop!
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