Jon Dawson: Friends fear intervention wouldn't help Hanks, Massey
Hanks is currently on a road trip with our mutual friend Jonathan Massey, a man who on more than one occasion has single-handedly caused a regional shortage of corned beef. On one trip, he ate so much corned beef cows were wandering on to the highway to surrender to him.
By comparison, pumas would be considered vegetarians.
Massey and Hanks got in a car Saturday night and drove to Landover, Md., to see the Washington Redskins take on the Carolina Panthers. Hanks is a Redskins fan, while Massey pulls for the Panthers. While watching a game on television, they've each been known to yell loud enough to make the lights blink, so my heart goes out to whoever is sitting beside them.
The Dyspeptic Duo's normal theater for all things sports is Hanks' Man Cave, a room in his home that houses more memorabilia than the Pro Football, Baseball and Basketball Halls of Fame combined. On one wall hangs a Joe Theismann jersey in a glass case, while next to it sits empty shelf commemorating all of Ralph Sampson's championships (did I mention Hanks is also a University of Virginia fan?).
As you might expect, there's a TV the size of an Olympic swimming pool in Hanks' Man Cave - but wait, there's more. On either side of the JumboTron are two smaller televisions, and by smaller I mean they could provide shade for a family of six.
You may be asking yourself why would someone have three television sets on the same wall, and the answer is simple: During his childhood, Hanks got hold of some outdated milk and has never fully recovered.
In case anyone thinks I'm making this up, take note of this actual photo taken by our publisher, B.J. Murphy:
That's right, Hanks has a different game running on all three TVs simultaneously. Thankfully, the audio is restricted to one set at a time, but I'll bet you a banana Hanks would have all three commentaries going at once if he could. And as if having three sets going at once wasn't enough, Hanks and Massey are glued to their phones while the three sets are going to keep up with their fantasy football teams.
Once while Hanks and Massey were involved in a heated fantasy football text war, I picked up the remote and tried to change the channel. It takes a bushel of remotes, a crystal set and a stick of gum to operate Hanks' televisions, and apparently I hit the wrong button because a few seconds later two FBI agents were knocking on Hanks' door to see if we knew anything about a false ballistic missile alert issued in Hawaii.
I'm not sure humans were designed to intake multiple streams of information for extended periods of time, but for many, this is the new norm. There's no doubt in my mind that someone, somewhere, is devising a way for us to watch TV, text and make toast while swimming.
For my contribution to the resistance, I'm going to shut off everything and listen to some music. When Hanks and Massey finish their metamorphosis into full-fledged cyborgs, I'll give them each a can of WD-40 aftershave for Christmas and use them both as charging stations for my phone.
Jon Dawson can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and www.jondawson.com.