Mike Parker: A simple question with no simple answer
She sat near the top of the amphitheater-style classroom at East Carolina. I was returning the first papers students had submitted – a narrative essay. The narrative assignment included these instructions: “Do not tell me the story OF your life. Choose a focused event, compact in time, you can relate in concrete detail.”
This particular student, a woman somewhere in her mid to late 30’s, had written about a specific incident in which she endured violence at the hand of her husband. Reading the paper shook me. She was the mother of three. I could not help wondering how many times her children had witnessed the abuse. As I returned her graded essay, I said softly:
“Please stay a couple of minutes after class,” she winched.
“I can’t stay long,” she said. I nodded.
When all the students left, she moved to the front of the room.
“He keeps track of time,” she said. “I cannot afford to be too late.”
I said her narrative seemed like a cry for help. She looked at me with an almost blank expression. I told her she could escape. Shelters would take her and her children. She looked down.
“I have to go,” she said.
“Let me ask just two questions: Would your children be better off with you – or with him? Are you going to stay until he kills you?” She looked into my eyes and then rushed from the classroom.
One of the most common reactions to women who endure violence and abuse at the hands of an intimate partner is: “Why doesn’t she just leave?”
Why do victims of domestic abuse stay? The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence shares these concerns domestic violence victims confront.
First, many DV victims fear if they attempt to leave, their abuser’s actions may become more violent, even lethal. Many women have no idea that programs such as SAFE in Lenoir County exist. Before a woman can leave a dangerous situation, she must have somewhere she can go – and somewhere she can take her children.
Too often, these women must contend with friends and family who are unsupportive. Family members have seen the pattern of abuse play out over and over and conclude the victim has accepted violence and verbal abuse as part of the relationship dynamic.
Many women have observed the difficulties of single parenting. They wonder how they will survive economically. Added to that fear is usually a false hope. The victim feels the relationship has been a mix of good times and love as well as abuse. They hope by staying their love will eventually overcome manipulation, intimidation, and fear.
They may also fear losing custody of their children if they leave or divorce their abuser. They often fear that if they leave without their children, the abuser will focus his violent outbursts on the kids.
Too often, victims of abuse lack the means to support themselves and their children. They lack cash and access to bank accounts. Lack of resources reinforces their helplessness. They have nowhere to go, no friends or family to help, and no money for motel rooms. Many domestic violence shelters are either full or limit the length of stay for victims and their children. These victims do not want to become homeless, thereby placing themselves in yet another situation that opens them up to danger and abuse.
Some victims even believe that despite the abuse they suffer, a two-parent home is better for their children than living with a single mom.
“Why doesn’t she just leave?”
The question is so simple to ask, but it is not so simple to answer.
The mother of three who sat in my classroom that evening had to be experiencing many of these fears.
“Are you going to stay until he kills you?” I asked. She looked into my eyes and then rushed from the classroom.
I never saw her again. I have always hoped she took her children and fled.
Mike Parker is a columnist for Neuse News. You can reach him at mparker16@gmail.com.
