Jon Dawson: Bryan Hanks welcomes new addition (with video)
Image of Bryan Hanks’ kidney stone provided by NASA.
In case you haven't heard the news, Neuse News Editor Bryan Hanks reached a new milestone last week, or should I say, passed it.
While moderating a "Golden Girls" discussion panel at this year's ComiCon in Hays, N.C., Hanks started to experience mild discomfort. By the time guest speaker Betty White finished her story regarding a bar brawl between Bea Arthur and ALF, Hanks was in so much pain he tossed his microphone to a confused David Hasselhoff while from the building.
"Hasselhoff was here for the 37th anniversary of the show "Knight Rider"," said Hays ComicCon organizer Jonathan Massey. "He’s a method actor, so for him to get into the Michael Knight character, he demanded a talking car. Since the talking car from the show was more expensive to book than Hasselhoff, we paid a college kid $50 to hide under the hood of his Honda Accord and interact with David. Since the show went off the air before the college kid was born, there was little to no coherent interaction between them."
I once wrote that "Bryan Hanks is known to the people of Lenoir, Greene, and Jones counties as a journalist who lives, breathes, dreams and marinates in sports. If two or more people gather to engage in throwing, running, kicking or jumping, Hanks will be there with a notepad, a pencil, and a shirt loud enough to drown out a low-flying jet." While that's still true, you can now add stone mason to his list of skills.
Yes, the pain that interrupted Hanks' annual Golden Girls weekend was caused by a dreaded kidney stone. After speaking with Hanks, I think the sensation is best described as stepping on 1,000 Legos at once, but with your kidney.
Even though he knows the words to every song Barbara Streisand ever recorded and can whip up a Crêpes Suzette that'll make you weep, Hanks is a pretty tough guy. I once saw him make it through 12 minutes of a Dick Vitale documentary with only three rounds of sedatives. For this stone to put him out of commission, you know the pain had to be intense.
Not only is Bryan Hanks tough, but he's also brave. How brave? So brave that he's given Neuse News permission to show video of the actual moment he passed the dreaded kidney stone.
WARNING: If you're squeamish, given to flights of hysteria or have ever watched The Jerry Springer Show on purpose, you are advised not to watch the following video:
Hanks proved his toughness by reclaiming his spot behind the microphone at the Down East Wood Ducks game on Thursday night. Although it took him three hours to make it from his car to the press box, he nevertheless made it in time to announce the final score.
Hanks has named his bouncing new addition Stoney Hanks. For anyone who’d like to purchase a gift, they are registered at Bannister’s Fine Gifts in La Grange.
Jon Dawson’s humor columns are published weekly by Neuse News. Contact Jon at email@example.com and www.jondawson.com.