Jon Dawson: Wearing pajamas while shopping deemed harmful to animals
Trumpeter swans in a dyspeptic state after man feeds them Cheez Whiz in parking lot of Swansboro DMV.
For every technological advance - be it in the field of medicine, telecommunications or alternative processes for stuffing cheese into pizza crust, it seems humans as a species take a step back.
I'm not sure whether it's the goofy weather or a general lack of gluten in our diets, but most of the population seems to be making poor decisions at record levels. We now have more access to information than ever before, yet our ability to make informed decisions is eroding at an alarming rate.
Take for instance the people who go shopping in their pajamas - are they the epitome of zen or the dawning of a frightening new age? These folks can't even be bothered to fully pick up their feet while walking, which creates a scratching sound eerily similar to the mating call of the Trumpeter swan. Earlier this year, the Autobahn Society petitioned Walmart stores to soundproof their buildings.
"The scratching sound generated by people not picking up their feet confuses the birds and interrupts their migration to warmer climates for the winter," said Theodore Nugent of the Autobahn Society. "These swans need to be heading south, not looking for love at a Walmart."
If you though the levels of public relaxation crested with pajamas and sliding flip-flops, you'd be wrong. We’ve almost grown accustomed to people who talk on their phones at cash registers, movie theaters, and birthing centers. Since my efforts to have these people deported to Canada have been unsuccessful, the next generation of phone nincompoops is now carrying on their inane conversations via speakerphone.
If you're in need of source material for a weekly column, a novel or just want to see if your therapist is awake, just grab a notebook and head to your nearest grocery store. If you listen closely, you might hear something like this:
Person holding phone: "What did they tell you at the doctor's office?"
Voice from speakerphone: "They sent a photo of my rash to every hospital in the country and not one doctor can identify it."
Person holding phone: "I told you if you kept going on those cruises without getting your shots this would happen."
Voice from speakerphone: "Oh please...I did plenty of shots on that cruise."
Person holding phone: "I'm talking about vaccination..."
Cashier: "The system has rejected all seven of your credit cards ma'am. Do you have another form of payment?"
Person holding phone: "Let me go. This cashier apparently can't tell we're trying to have a private conversation."
This is America, and if you want to eat Cheez Whiz with a spoon that's your right - but is it really necessary to do it while sitting in the lobby of the DMV?
Remember that the semi-vulgar t-shirt you thought was so funny in college? Turns out it might not be the best idea to wear to your five-year-old's kindergarten graduation. Even if that t-shirt reminds you of a time when you knew the names of the bands on the radio, it's time to sew it into a memory quilt and move on.
It's a big planet but the world keeps getting smaller. This may come as a shock to some, but there are other people on Earth, and abusing your right to be a five-alarm putz isn't helping anyone. Since the afternoon shuttle flights to Mars are still a few months off, let's make an effort to be better cohabitants.
Jon Dawson's humor columns are published weekly by Neuse News. Contact Jon at jon@neusenews.com and www.jondawson.com.
