Jon Dawson: B.J. Murphy statement on Paulette Burroughs
Paulette Burroughs volunteering at an emergency gambling tent in Atlantic City in 2015. / Photo used by permission of Derelict Grifter Quarterly
For a while, it seemed the summer would never end. Up through last Friday, the humidity was somewhere between 80% and gravy.
Since it felt great outside Friday night, I decided to go for a walk with my dog Lucille. She doesn't actually walk with me, but rather runs a 50-yard perimeter, making sure the area is secure. If there's so much as a butterfly within the vicinity, she runs it off with the ferociousness of Alec Baldwin on picture day.
While I was walking, a car sped by with the sounds of Rick James blasting from its radio. This brought to mind the legendary Chappelle Show sketch, which then led me to wonder what my friend and former Rick James wardrobe coordinator Paulette Burroughs was up to.
For those of you who don't know, Paulette Burroughs was the concierge of the newspaper I wrote for prior to Neuse News. Through her antics and my sanitizing/retelling of them in my column, Paulette became a star. Endorsement deals for Lady Stetson, Swisher Cigarillos and Colt 45 ensued.
"I was riding high on that Colt 45 money until the market crash of 1998," Burroughs said. "I accidentally pushed the wrong pedal and drove my Escalade through the front door of a Piggly Wiggly."
Facing bankruptcy and a maternity suit from Richard Simmons, Burroughs hit the casinos in a bid to regain her fortune.
"To crawl out of debt, I've been turning in my empties to buy bus tickets to Atlantic City," Burroughs wrote in her autobiography 'Hey Sailor!'. "There's not a pit boss, blackjack dealer or ATF agent I'm not on a first-name basis with between La Grange and Newark."
Once during her "rebuilding years", Burroughs was arrested at a Wegman's grocery store in New York.
"I flipped out when I realized they don't stock Duke's mayo at Wegman's," Burroughs said. "I don't remember threatening a bag boy with a loofah, but the security video apparently tells a different story."
After years of selling old packets of ketchup to unsuspecting blood banks to survive, Burroughs had a massively successful night at the Borgata earlier this year.
"I don't know how it happened, but I hit seven jackpots in a row," Burroughs said. "Maybe it was luck; maybe it was the screwdriver I jammed into the back of the slot machine; either way, I walked out of that casino with $96,000 and two bottles of hotel shampoo."
For the past 18 months, Burroughs has been a correspondent for Neuse News, although to date the only assignment she's completed was her six-part series on Skittles in December of 2018.
"I'm working on something that'll make Watergate look like a misdemeanor," Burroughs said. "Neuse News Publisher B.J. Murphy keeps texting and wanting to know why I'm turning in receipts from the Golden Nugget on my expense report. Journalism isn’t rocket surgery; it takes time."
“We value Paulette and her contributions to Neuse News," Murphy said during a press conference on Monday. "I'm willing to overlook the photocopier incident at our office which led to three days in the I.C.U. for our editor, Bryan Hanks. I've given Paulette two weeks to wrap up her big story, and we look forward to publishing it."
When contacted for a response to Murphy's statement, Burroughs was unavailable for comment.
"I haven't seen her all day," said Burroughs’ assistant/dog groomer Richard Clark. "We're not sure where she is, but there was an article listing the countries the United States did not have extradition agreements with on her laptop when I came in this morning."
Jon Dawson's humor columns are published weekly by Neuse News. Contact Jon at email@example.com and www.jondawson.com.