Faith Forward with Jason McKnight: The difference between forgiveness, reconciliation and relationships
In the last two Faith Forward columns, we have talked about forgiveness and how to walk in it. Like gravity is a universal truth in the realm of physics, forgiveness is a universal necessity in the realm of interpersonal community. There is no human flourishing without the practice of forgiveness.
To forgive a wrong is not automatically to restore a relationship. Forgiveness and relationship openness are two separate things. “Forgive and forget” is a good practice for the little wrongs, but there are bigger ones (abuse, infidelity, smear campaign) that may take more than just a slogan.
How can we put the wrong behind us? We’ve spent two columns considering the internal, unilateral decision to forgive. But, when we face the person who wronged, what do we do?
Between “forgiving someone” and “having a deep relationship with them” is one intermediate phase: “the process of reconciliation.”
When I’ve worked through and done the hard internal work of forgiving, now what? Now that I no longer harbor desire for revenge or retribution, now that I’ve given that to God, now that I’m free of the demand they repay me and they make it right, now what?
If we can ever return to a genuine state of our relationship it will be through the middle phase of reconciliation.
This process is an attempt by either the wronged person or the one in the wrong to address that there is a wrong, blockage, wound, sin between them. If the perpetrator comes to their senses and realizes their wrong, they go at once to seek the forgiveness of the other. While the victim may not yet be ready to forgive, the process of reconciling has started by the goodwill and good faith effort of the now-repentant perpetrator.
If the wronged person has worked through forgiving, they can approach the perp to extend forgiveness, if it will be received.
It is not guaranteed that reconciliation will be attained; it will take two. But, “as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” This may take a few conversations, some good prayer. Depending on the situation, it may entail bringing a trusted third person into the conversation.
The point here is (A) a clean conscience before God—I’m obediently working toward reconciliation, since we are ministers of reconciliation (2 Cor 5:16-21); (B) a state of goodwill between the two parties—that there is no unseemly avoiding or evading in social settings; think of the hiding on the baking aisle at the grocery store, because you see that person in produce.
If the process of reconciliation is growing, warming, encouraging, at a certain point it moves into the realm of relationship. While the reconciliation steps are formal and a bit artificial (awkward?), relationships are mutual and grow comfortable and natural.
We all know that a relationship is not automatic or instant; it’s organic and long-term. It may take years to return stronger than before. It may take one conversation. It may never happen.
We are not required to have a deep relationships with everyone, and we are not slaves to a framework that demands a “return to status quo ante” in our relationships. Things may never go back fully. That’s not a failure or a wrong. Relationships are organic and alive.
As long as the reconciliation process is undertaken to extend the forgiveness necessary, that’s all the victim is responsible for before God. That is a fulfillment of the “love your neighbor as yourself” command of Scripture.
Some might say that God forgives us, and embraces us as if nothing happened; should we not imitate him in this? A great question and intuition. However, there are times in Scripture that the outworking of sin in someone’s life has consequences even though forgiveness is full and free. Think of David’s life, after the sin with Bathsheba (adultery, conspiracy, murder, abuse of power, deceit, in 2 Sam 11); the rest of 2 Sam deals with the disastrous consequences throughout David’s house. God forgave him, but the consequences were real and changed his earthly relationships. Why? Because they are mutual, organic and patterns laid down take time to change.
I hope that these three columns on the necessity of forgiveness have been helpful. It’s God’s gift to sinners in our relationships! It’s God’s doorway to sinners into his family. We forgive others because God in Christ has forgiven us. May we ever live with the openhanded hope of people who know God has given us a new start because of his grace. May God’s people be signposts of grace in a graceless world!
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