Mike Parker: Make your home a fortress against child abuse

When I was training to be a teacher, I first heard the “IALAC” story. The story of a child who goes through each day with people ripping little pieces from his sign emblazoned with “IALAC” made a profound impact on me. Each day, the sign returns, but a little more of it is torn away. “IALAC” stands for “I Am Lovable and Capable.”

Since April is Child Abuse Prevention Month, we all need to discuss this important topic. Child abuse occurs when children experience abuse or neglect by parents, family members, or caregivers that causes injury, death, emotional harm, or risk of serious harm. Physical abuse, sexual abuse, exploitation, and emotional abuse are also forms of this problem that victimizes children.

Most parents can look at that list and feel a winch of guilt from some word or deed they have aimed to inflict pain to a child’s body, mind, or emotions. Through the years I have come to believe we cannot eradicate true child abuse and neglect by focusing on the negatives. The home must become a child’s main fortress against abuse.

Each child needs an environment that cultivates the child’s belief that “I Am Lovable And Capable.” How can we make sure our child’s “IALAC” shield is always strong and glowing?

First, be a participant in your child’s life – not merely a spectator or, worse, a commentator. What children desire and need from their parents more than anything is the sense their parents value them. In one scene of the film “The Breakfast Club,” a group of teens serving Saturday detention discuss problems with their parents. In the climax of the scene, one girl is asked what her parents do that is so bad.

“They ignore me,” she said.

Let me ask you a serious question: How can your child value himself or herself if that child does not know he or she has value in your eyes? How much do you know about your child? What is your child’s favorite school subject and school activity? Who is your child’s best friend? How is your child doing in school?

If you do not participate in your child’s life, then how can you know your child? Many tell-tale signs of abuse come through knowing your child. How can you tell if you child has an abrupt shift in attitude if you do not know what the normal attitude is? How will you know if your child has some sort of inappropriate understanding of sexuality beyond his or her age if you never interact with your child?

Here is an idea: Stop doing for your child – and start doing things with your child.

A child needs discipline and structure in life. By the way, discipline does not necessarily mean physical punishment. The root word of discipline is “disciple.” As a parent, you are the first line of instruction – of discipleship – for your child. Discipline is something a parent does FOR a child – not TO a child.

Because discipline is for the child’s benefit, never discipline in anger. Have you ever made a stupid pronouncement out of anger? Something like: “You are grounded for the next six months” or “No TV or screens until you next birthday”? Do not impose penalties you cannot enforce. If parents are going to impose consequences for inappropriate behavior, then those consequences need to have a judicial solemnity – and certainty.

Teach your child to use his or her voice instead of trying to get attention by acting out. Nearly all parents have endured the “Terrible Two’s” and the “Terrifying Three’s.” I heard of one mother who had an early birthday party so her three-year-old would think she was older and would start acting that age. I am not sure the approach worked.

But I do know if you ignore your child long enough, the acting out behavior will come. Children want attention, and if they cannot have positive attention, they will opt for negative attention.

When I was a classroom teacher, I promised my students at the beginning of each semester (we were on the block system) that they could tell me anything in confidence and I would keep that confidence with three exceptions. If they told me they were thinking about hurting themselves, I would immediately notify school authorities and get them help. If they told me they were thinking about hurting someone else, I would also notify school authorities. Last, if I ever suspected they were being physically, emotionally, or sexually abused, I would immediately notify social services – and then school authorities.

You are probably saying, “I bet those kids never told you anything.” You would be wrong. Not only did they confide in me, they came to me when they felt suicidal. They would tell me when their friends were suicidal or when someone had threatened another student. Why? I was as good as my word – and they knew it.

Parents, you need to be as good as your word. You need to care as much about your own children as I cared about my students. Child abuse begins with neglect. Our children need to see themselves as lovable and capable. Keep their IALAC shield strong.

Mike Parker is a columnist for the Neuse News. You can reach him at mparker16@gmail.com.