Jon Dawson: The bright side of the Tar Heels' basketball season

John Candy and Dave Thomas admire the chops of drummer extraordinaire Tony Stiglitz. / Photo by Doug MacMillan

I spent a chunk of Saturday in a rehearsal room at 2112 Percussion in Raleigh. It's a great place for a band rehearsal, complete with a full P.A. system and a painting of SCTV legends John Candy and Dave Thomas on the wall.

After working on new songs for three hours, we congregated at a local restaurant for gourmet nachos and highbrow banter. On the wall was a television large enough to pass for a billboard. The evening's viewing was my UNC Tar Heels vs. the Virginia Cavaliers. So as not to ruin my appetite, I treated the game like an eclipse, only periodically looking at it through a tiny pin-hole in a sheet of paper. 

There's no need to pretend I'm a major sports fan. Other than UNC basketball my sports knowledge is nonexistent. I was drawn into Tar Heel basketball at an early age through the Voice of the Tar Heels Woody Durham. As many of you may know, Durham could make drying paint sound compelling. I'm also a fan of his successor Jones Angell, who along with his partner Eric Montross has made even this abysmal season nearly digestible. 

Perhaps Tar Heel basketball fans have been spoiled by decades of consistently good to great seasons. Usually, by this time of year, it's a given that UNC will have a spot reserved in the NCAA Tournament. Sadly, the only way Roy and company will make it to the NCAA Tournament this year will be if they purchase tickets.

This is painful to type, but it's doubtful UNC will even make the NIT. this year. The best we can hope for is a pickup game at the YMCA - and even that one will probably go into overtime.

When I left the restaurant and aimed my Chevrolet Impala towards La Grange, I resisted the urge to listen to the game on the radio. Even though I love listening to Angell and Montross, I didn't think it was a good idea to hear about all the missed free-throws while dealing with the Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome antics of the lunatics careening down I-40 as if they were all being stung by bees while trying to kick a snake off the accelerator. I've seen safer driving during the Daytona 500, and I'm including the year NASCAR experimented with a "no brakes/no windshields" policy in 1978.

After exiting the I-40 vortex at exit 309, I summoned an amount of courage not seen in my personal reservoir since I demanded a refund from HBO for the third season of "Twin Peaks" and dialed the UNC game up on the radio. It was the beginning of the second half, so hopefully the Tar Heels had made all their mistakes in the first half and Coach Roy Williams got their attention by demolishing a few pieces of furniture in the locker room. I was living in hope.

While the Heels nipped at the, um, heels of the Cavaliers for most of the second half, it wasn't until the final seconds that they finally took the lead. Somehow the Tar Heels managed to make some free throws while also not falling victim to multiple blown calls by Ted Valentine. It seemed as if the Tar Heels were finally going to finish out a game and not give it away. Again.

In the lane next to me a few car lengths ahead was a Honda with a UNC Tar Heel sticker on the bumper. When a player for Virginia hit the winning three-point shot at the 8/10 of a second mark, the Honda jerked in a violent fashion to the left. I could only imagine the tsunami of expletives and unsanctioned air-karate moves the poor UNC fan at the wheel had just let fly.

 As I carefully drove by the weeping fan in the lane next to me, I caught a glimpse of the man's poor wife in the seat next to him, holding her ear as if a cannon had just gone off.

Although I'd hoped the Heels would pull this one out, it didn't send me into a dark depression. I haven't made a layup or even shot a basketball in over a year. If a group of people I've never met doesn't win a ball game, I'll live.

On the bright side, I won't be distracted by the NCAA Tournament this year. If NC State makes it I'd be glad for them to do well, but beyond that, I can't think of any reason to pay attention. If State does make the tournament, maybe I can change the tint on my television so those red uniforms will appear sky blue.

Maybe if UNC wins that pickup game at the YMCA it'll give us some momentum going into next season. 

Jon Dawson's humor columns are published weekly by Neuse News. Contact Jon at jon@neusenews.com and www.jondawson.com.