Jon Dawson: Nabs to be served at wedding reception
Saturday night, The Wife and I attended a family wedding in Kinston (congratulations Emily and Tyndall!), and for the most part, everyone behaved.
In all honesty, the only two family members anyone had to worry about were my uncles William and Wiley.
William and Wiley are twins, and they've struggled with bouts of mischievousness over the years. Even as infants, they were so determined to get into something that a lid constructed of chicken wire was added to their crib to keep them from making a break for it during the night.
Normally good sense and the occasional judge's order would ban William and Wiley from attending social functions, but since the bride was Wiley's daughter, an exception was made. They tried to block William at the door, but he claimed to be Wiley (remember, they're twins), so he was allowed in as well.
Wedding food can be an iffy proposition, and with William being a culinary curmudgeon, his long-suffering wife was at the ready with a Ziploc bag of Tom Thumb and dried butter beans on stand-by in case of an emergency. Thankfully, the food was fantastic — shrimp and grits, pasta, spinach dip — all top notch.
The main attraction was a sesame chicken that was so good grown men who'd previously only cried while watching the movie "Shane" were openly weeping at the almost violent deliciousness they were experiencing.
How good was this chicken? To paraphrase John Green, I wanted it to become a person so I could take it to Las Vegas and marry it.
While we all basked in the fabulous evening we were enjoying on someone else's dime, it was brought to my attention my two daughters would have weddings someday. This revelation struck me like a bolt of lightning, and I immediately started walking around the dining room looking for loose change.
Just as I was about to pawn my shoes and invest in a red bucket and bell, I remembered The Wife made her own wedding dress and all of her bridesmaids' dresses. As for the reception, I have a music collection that dwarfs that of most radio stations and I'm not above handing everyone a pack of Nabs and a Pepsi.
If my pending patent for no-stick lip balm comes through, I may have enough dough to spring for a few pizzas.
In the days since the wedding, I've been dialing up YouTube documentaries on elopement non-stop. Usually, our two Tax Deductions want to see clips of cats being terrified by cucumbers (see video above), but I've started the brainwashing process already.
I'll still let them watch the cats running away from cucumbers as if they've seen a witch, but they'll first have to watch a clip of Miranda and Todd espousing the joys of eloping.
Anyone out there good with PhotoShop? If I figure out how to superimpose my daughter's faces onto Meghan Markle's wedding photos, I may be able to sell this thing.
Jon Dawson's humor columns are published weekly by Neuse News.
Contact Jon at firstname.lastname@example.org and www.jondawson.com.