Jell-O sparks family feud
It's with deep regret that I inform you Dear Readers* that there will be no Jon Dawson column this week.
Before you grab a pitchfork from the shed and Google "how to form an angry mob", please know that I gave it a try. There were many obstacles hurled at me while trying to string together my weekly collection of guffaws, chuckles, and chortles.
For starters, this fakakta computer insists on updating every 26 minutes. I sat down with a great idea for a column only to be met by the dreaded YOUR COMPUTER IS UPDATING message. If given the choice, I'd rather see the gas light in my car come on in the middle of the night in front of Hannibal Lecter's house than see the computer update notice. At least with Lecter it would be over quickly.
Why do computers have to update so often? Unless the Dept.of Alphabet decides to add a 27th letter I don't see the point.
Any correspondence from Mac users who want to educate me on their superiority can bypass me and email Neuse News Editor Bryan Hanks at email@example.com. The man cares more about Apple products than Steve Jobs ever did. He routinely gets rid of a perfectly good iPhone that's yet to lose it's new-phone smell because the new iPhone has a feature that will allow him to test the freshness of Q-Tips before purchasing them.
With the laptop update now at 51%, I decided to see what the Tax Deductions were up to. TD#1 was obviously trying to rope The Wife into some sort of scam, as she was speaking in a hushed, serious tone reminiscent of most Paul Giamatti scenes in "Billions". Although I couldn't hear what she was saying, I put my arm around her and said 'no'. I figure I have a 50/50 chance of being right, and if not I'm sure there's some sort of lesson in there somewhere.
TD#2 was excited to tell me about the Jell-O she'd made. I was raised on my grandma's recipe which included fruit cocktail and chopped pecans served with Piggly Wiggly store brand vanilla ice cream. The Wife and TD#2 like their Jell-O plain, while TD#1 only likes pineapple in hers. Many families have much larger issues to deal with, but this Jell-O thing made my head hurt.
What is the point of plain Jell-O? Without the fruit, Jell-O is just a bowl of green air. As far as TD#1 and her pineapple request, fruit cocktail includes pineapple AND she routinely eats the other fruits featured in fruit cocktail. To paraphrase Lewis Black, there wasn't enough deodorant to make it through the conversation so I turned to leave.
On my way out, TD#1 recalled a conversation she had with her sister earlier in the day regarding kneecaps. Apparently, TD#1 can wiggle her kneecaps, which freaks out TD#2 and The Wife. When I displayed my ability to not only wiggle my knees but do so in time to the bass line of the Booker T. & The MGs hit "Green Onions", everyone ran from the room in horror.
Scaring everyone in the house lifted my spirits a bit, so I checked in on the computer which had by this point finished updating. Thankfully, the long list of computer applications and features I never use were now updated so I could have another peaceful month or so of not using the latest, up-to-date versions.
I sat down to start the column and completely forgot what I was going to write about. If it comes back to me I'll write about it next week. If the computer will let me.
Contact Jon at firstname.lastname@example.org and www.jondawson.com.
(*copyright Bryan Hanks)